Airports do give me problems. Whether it is excess luggage or simply that the wretched security alarms will just not stop bleeping whenever I enter their territory; it is always an annoying and often embarrassing experience. My recent visit to the UK was a case in point.

Last Christmas, I was tempted to purchase a new kind of adjustable spanner. It was marketed heavily on television and in the national press and after a sorry incident with our downstairs loo - I won’t go into detail here - and many hours of grappling with all manner of antiquated tools, I decided that if I had one of these new ‘super spanners’ the job would have been done in a flash. Sadly, despite dropping many unsubtle hints to my partner, it did not appear in my Christmas stocking last year.

After Christmas, none were to be seen in the shops, and it was my brother who came to the rescue. He would order one from Amazon and would give it to me, as a Christmas present this year, when I returned to the UK. Why he could not have had it posted direct to me, I did not like to ask and so I looked forward to collecting the magic tool during my next visit to see the family.

“Now then sir, is this your bag?” came an officious sounding voice at Gatwick Airport security. I had just been frisked by a security officer and had thought that my ordeal was over for the time being. I nodded.

“Would you mind coming over to this table whilst I empty your bag. We have just x-rayed your bag and you have two suspicious items inside. I would like to examine these items more closely and in your presence.” I was beckoned to a nearby table whilst the security officer donned rubber gloves and began removing all the items from my bag.

“My, sir certainly likes his toys, doesn’t he?” frowned the security officer as he removed a laptop computer, three mobile phones, various adapters, Tom Tom navigation unit and accessories as well as several cables, dongles and plug ins. He frowned again as he retrieved a number of small Christmas presents carefully packed by an elderly relative. He waved one of the small items in the air. “This is one of them. Do you know what’s inside?”

I had no idea, but suddenly realising that this was not the correct answer, I replied, “A potato peeler. I cannot get a good one at home and Auntie Gertie thought we would like it.”

The security officer smiled. “Hmm, yes, it feels like it. It would be a pity to open it, wouldn’t it? It would spoil Auntie Gertie’s surprise. I’ll x-ray it again and see.” This time he was being remarkably helpful, and I thanked him. After a moment or two he returned to the table with a spring in his step.

“Yes, that’s it. A potato peeler it is, but don’t tell Auntie Gertie I told you.” He laughed heartily. “Now what about this other item?”

The security officer proceeded to remove the last items from my large and heavy bag. “Hmm, now if I am not mistaken, I think you will find that this is the problem.” He triumphantly held my brother’s Christmas gift - my new adjustable spanner - in the air. “You cannot take this on board, sir. This wrench is a potentially dangerous weapon.”

“You cannot be serious,” I responded angrily. “It is not a wrench, it is an adjustable spanner,” I protested, but sensibly recognising that a dialogue about the Oxford Dictionary definition of both spanner and a wrench would not be entirely appropriate at this point. “Look it is still in its plastic packaging. You would need a strong pair of scissors, if not a sharp knife, to open it. We all know that any self-respecting terrorist would only consider carrying out his dastardly deed with a pair of nail scissors or a nail file, but I cannot see any terrorist wanting to use my spanner without first removing it from its plastic packaging. To do that they would need scissors or a sharp knife which, as we both know, are banned,” I added triumphantly.

This was the wrong response and for a moment I thought that I was about to be arrested. The security officer frowned. “This item, sir, is a dangerous wrench and in the wrong hands it could be a lethal weapon just as it is, plastic packaging and all. I have no alternative, but to confiscate it. You will just have to tell your Auntie Gertie that we are sorry, but she really must not send you back on flights with dangerous items in your hand luggage.”

Dear Auntie Gertie, who died long ago I might add, would be spinning in her grave if she knew that an innocent potato peeler and an adjustable spanner, attributed to her generosity in the spur of the moment, were considered even possible threats for an act of terrorism. Now her heavy handbag and sharp stiletto heels were an entirely different matter... Sorry, Auntie!

© Barrie Mahoney 2024

To find out more about Barrie, his blogs, podcasts and books, go to: http://barriemahoney.com/

I gate-crashed a wedding last week. In my defence, it was a genuine accident, but I am rather pleased that I did. Like many people, I enjoy a good wedding; it is one of those events where the power of love forcibly overpowers the cynicism and doubt that can inhabit some of our lives. It takes the most hardened cynic not to feel just a twinge of emotion and ‘something of the beyond’ when watching a couple committing themselves to a life with each other.

I was enjoying a drink and people-watching in one of my favourite bars in a nearby village when a large crowd of chattering and laughing Canarians burst through the door. At first I thought that it was a local fiesta, but all wore smart clothes and some were carrying small bouquets of flowers. I soon realised from the conversation that they were attending a wedding that was taking place in the small church next door to the bar. It always amuses me when I see bars situated very closely to the local church, but Catholic services to tend to go on for rather a long time, so I guess it is very sensible planning.

This particular group of wedding guests had arrived for the wedding service a little later than planned, and the small village church was already full. Undaunted, the group wisely decided to relocate to the bar next door and to begin their wedding celebrations early. I was told that both the bride and groom were very popular local teachers, which explained the large number of young people in the group.

Spanish and Canarians don’t really do small intimate weddings; it is very much a case of ‘the bigger the better’, and it is not unusual to see the uninvited chatting and gossiping outside a church when the ceremony is in progress in the hope of catching a glimpse of the happy couple after the official event, and taking part in the celebrations afterwards. Spanish weddings are best regarded as marathons, and guests are well advised to allocate a whole day to the celebrations; they are best described as a test of endurance.

After throwing rice over the happy couple (confetti is just not done over here), the couple will be involved in endless photo shoots, which is a good time for guests to head to the local bar, often accompanied by the officiating priest. By the time that the real partying begins, guests are already very happy and ready to tuck into cocktails and canapes, followed by a multi-course banquet (sitting down, of course). Later, coffee and cake are served before guests head to the generous open bar and to enjoy the dancing and raunchy ‘follow my leader’ games that will eventually bring the celebrations to a close.

At this point, you may well be asking how all this partying is paid for. Traditionally, much of it is paid for by the guests, which is very much part of Spanish tradition going back to the days when this was the only way that a wedding could be paid for. If you are invited to a Spanish wedding, please don't think that presenting the happy couple with an electric toaster will get you off the hook. It will not, but a generous amount of cash or a cheque will do very nicely. A basket is usually handed around during the reception to collect the generous monetary gifts, although the more discrete will have paid the money into the couple’s bank account before the event. In order not to appear a cheapskate, a wedding gift should at least cover the cost of your food and drink at the reception, plus a bit more. My partying friends told me that 100 euros per person is currently regarded as the acceptable starting point.

My wedding party, and I say ‘mine’ because I was invited to join in, quickly entered into the celebratory spirit. Later, huge doors were opened to the rear of what appeared to be a small cafe bar to reveal a huge banqueting hall all beautifully set out for the lengthy banquet to come. We were soon joined by the main guests, looking very relieved as they escaped from the church and headed to the bar. Later, much later, the bride and groom would join the party and the real fun could begin.

I had unexpectedly witnessed and briefly taken part in yet another side of Canarian life. Sadly, I had another engagement to go to, and reluctantly left before the bride and groom returned from their photo shoot. I left wondering what condition the guests would be in the following morning, but felt quite sure that they would have given the happy couple a day that they would never forget.

© Barrie Mahoney 2024

To find out more about Barrie, his blogs, podcasts and books, go to: http://barriemahoney.com/

We know that Spring has arrived in the Canary Islands when we see the first flush of flowers on the many magnificent almond trees that embrace the islands. These beautiful flowers, which begin to open after Christmas, create a magnificent and rich landscape of colour. At the end of January and the beginning of February, almond trees demonstrate their full glory, encouraging celebrations in many towns and villages. Canarians never need much of an excuse to have a party, so this spectacle of natural beauty to celebrate the beginning of a New Year, doesn’t need much encouragement.

The Canary Islands were the crossroads between Europe and the Americas for many years. As a result, the islands can boast a rich and varied cuisine, offering a unique blend of flavours that is influenced by Africa, Europe and America. Without going into too much detail here, there is accumulating genetic evidence which suggests that much of the material used for horticulture in the Americas came directly from the Canary Islands. These islands had centuries of trade with Berbers, Phoenicians, and other ethnicities in Morocco, but were only under Spanish control for about 50 years before Columbus. Many believe that the booming almond trade in the United States originates from the Canary Islands.

Many people do not give much thought to almonds, but they have always been a most important part of the cuisine of the Canary Islands. Almond products are many and varied, and used in biscuits and cakes. Almonds can also be mashed into a paste that can be spread on bread - a bit like peanut butter, but without the butter. Almond milk, almond drinks, almond wine and marzipan, as well as almond cakes can easily be found in shops and markets on the islands for most of the year.

Almond trees are found on the greener parts of the Canary Islands. In Puntagorda, on the island of La Palma, a beautiful festival is held at the end of January or beginning of February each year. Parts of Gran Canaria and Tenerife become spectacular gardens of pink and white blossom, particularly around Santiago del Teide and the slopes of Vilaflor in Tenerife.

In Gran Canaria, a visit to the Almond Flower Festival in the village of Tejeda is always a must-visit destination at this time of the year. The festival has been celebrated in this beautiful village since 1972, which acts as a reminder of the importance of almonds to the baking industry of the islands. Dancing and songs against the spectacular and colourful backdrop of the almond trees can be an unforgettable experience.

Crowds of people make their way singing and dancing to native guitar music on the narrow road leading to the church. Many dress in national costume for the event and there are opportunities to sample the local wine and almond based products. There are also opportunities to watch the almonds being cracked and maybe hear almond pickers speaking about their trade.

Spain is the world’s second largest almond producer after the United States, and with a large proportion produced in the Canary Islands. It is no wonder that these nuts are so highly prized, and well worth having a party to celebrate. It is also worth remembering where the nuts come from.

© Barrie Mahoney 2024

To find out more about Barrie, his blogs, podcasts and books, go to: http://barriemahoney.com/

The usual August madness has swept across Spain with a vengeance. First of all, it was ‘refreshing’ to see that the reliable Swedish emporium of all things good and wholesome, namely Ikea, haven’t lost their sense of humour in marketing a lavatory brush given the appealing name of ‘Farage’. Sadly, Ikea has since disassociated itself from the toilet brush story and claims it is ‘fake news’, but all is not lost since they are selling a doormat under the name of ‘Borris’, which is the name of a small town in Denmark. It is a great pity about the loo brush though, since I rather like the idea of turning the name ‘Farage’ into a verb and would quite enjoy “faraging” the loo. Forgive me, but I am having an August moment, and I promise that I won’t mention the table (strong and stable) sold under the name of Theresa… Whilst we are on the subject of Ikea, I just wish one could get a decent cup of coffee there and not a mug of luke-warm sludge that appears to have been left over from the weekend. Yes, I know it is cheap, but I really shouldn’t have to strain it through my teeth...

There was the amazing and heart-warming story of the British expat living in Spain (now given the name, ‘Eileen Dover’) who ‘fell off’ a cruise ship during a spin across the Adriatic and spent ten hours in the sea. I will dare to ask the obvious question that BBC reporters carefully omitted from their interview, but everyone really wanted to ask. Was the poor woman so tanked up with gin and tonics that she just slipped off the edge of the ship, or was she pushed? Sorry, it may seem an indelicate question, but I just need to know. In any case, despite thinking that after ten hours bobbing around in the Adriatic she would look rather like a prune, she looked in remarkably good condition and seemed to be very perky when chatting to the press. Maybe I shouldn’t suggest that she looked as if she had returned home after a really good night out with the girls, but I will. Anyway, I am delighted that she was rescued and appears to be making a good recovery from her ordeal. Clearly, she kept well away from sharks.

Some Spanish resorts are so fed up with British holidaymakers that they are posting advertisements and Twitter posts urging tourists to jump off balconies. “Balconing is Fun” the posters declare. Balconing involves jumping into a swimming pool from a hotel or apartment balcony, or climbing from one balcony to another. These sick posters and tweets mock the deaths of tourists engaging in a sport that is apparently growing in popularity amongst some mainly young and impressionable British holidaymakers. This activity often results in an unpleasant death or very serious injury, so is a very unkind way to get the message across.

One tragic incident took place this month when a 20-year-old British holidaymaker tried to “take a poo” over the edge of his balcony before plunging six floors and landing on his head. At the time of writing, the young man remains in a critical condition.

A different approach to unthinking and inebriated holidaymakers is currently being considered by the regional government of the Balearic Islands. The good people of Mallorca, Ibiza and Minorca are so fed up with the chaos that many British tourists bring to their beautiful islands, that they are proposing to ban ‘all inclusive’ drinks, which is a thoughtful alternative to suggesting that holidaymakers jump off their balconies. Maybe this will help to curb Brits from being over enthusiastic drinkers during their holiday? Somehow, I have my doubts that this will work, but it is a kinder alternative.

The story of the elderly British holidaymaker staying in a Benidorm hotel also hit the headlines this month. This holidaymaker did not enjoy her sea, sun and sangria, and reportedly complained that the hotel had too many Spanish holidaymakers staying there and why couldn’t they holiday somewhere else? “I’m not a racist”, she firmly declared. Surprisingly, the tour operator gave her a refund; personally, I would give her a map and point out that Benidorm is in Spain and not the UK. Maybe she had lost her glasses and had planned to holiday in Blackpool instead?

Ryanair also deserves a mention, since an Irish holidaymaker, frustrated following a four-and-a-half-hour delay from Spain, refused to pay for a small tub of Pringles and a bottle of water for his stressed and over tired five-year-old daughter, and was threatened with arrest when they landed. The passenger was entitled to a compensation voucher that would easily have covered the cost of the water and Pringles if he had remembered to collect it from the departure lounge, but he was more concerned about his young daughter. An announcement was made to the entire cabin that police would deal with him upon arrival. The airline rightly commented that they “do not tolerate unruly, disruptive or unlawful behaviour”. Ryanair, please remember to apply this edict on my next Ryanair flight when I am surrounded by abusive and inebriated passengers.

At least EasyJet had the good sense to cancel a flight to Spain at the last minute when they decided that their Belfast crew was too tired to fly to Mallorca. Right, let us all remember that in August, if we are too tired, it is OK not to turn up for work. That goes for doctors, nurses, supermarket staff and hotel receptionists. Clearly, they are sensible people at EasyJet.

There is never a dull moment when watching the Brits at play in Spain during the month of August. Spain is the number one choice for holidays for many Brits and it is easy to see why. The carefree lifestyle, relatively cheap flights and accommodation, easy and cheap access to alcohol and drugs (if you must), beautiful beaches, endless sunshine and friendly locals all add up to a winning combination. The behaviour of Brits on holiday is often hilarious, sometimes embarrassing and occasionally very sad. Soon, August will be over and we can all get back to normal.

© Barrie Mahoney 2024

To find out more about Barrie, his blogs, podcasts and books, go to: http://barriemahoney.com/

We paid our electricity bill this week, or rather it was debited from our bank account without any warning. It has always irritated me that the electricity companies in Spain and the Canary Islands feel that they can take whatever they wish from our bank account without letting us know in advance; it is the same with the water company too. In the Canary Islands, electricity and water bills usually arrive two or three weeks after the payment has been taken from bank accounts, which makes careful budgeting, particularly for those on a low income, very difficult.

I am sure that most people find that monthly electricity bills increase and rarely is there any movement downwards. In our home, over the last few years, we have gradually changed to energy efficient lighting and appliances, but the increase in cost whilst consumption remains steady is often staggering.

It is of course, the poorest in society that are most affected by high electricity bills. Terms such as ‘Fuel Poverty’ or ‘Energy Poverty’ are some of the current meaningless phrases designed to make this serious issue somehow socially more acceptable. For many people, this can mean an impossible choice between keeping warm or eating. In the Canary Islands, those regarded as ‘vulnerable’, as well as large families can apply for a ‘social bonus’, which is designed to ease the cost of such bills by providing a discount. Unfortunately, as is the case with many such schemes in Spain, the system is unnecessarily complicated and bureaucratic, which many families simply do not understand and such schemes often end up causing more harm than good.

The best way of avoiding energy poverty is to reduce the cost of electricity through the promotion and investment in renewable energy. This will come in time, assuming that the oil companies and politicians allow it, but in the meantime, efforts are being made to encourage municipalities to provide emergency fuel aid for those families that cannot pay their electricity bills and the supply is cut off. Local politicians are rightly making the point that that residents of the Canary Islands have a right to receive electricity at a price that is equivalent to residents living in Peninsular Spain, even though the costs of producing electricity on the islands are three times as high.

In the Canary Islands, we have an abundance of sunshine, wind and wave power, but the dilatory manner in which these renewable sources are being utilised is staggering. There are examples to the contrary, of course, with the island of El Hierro leading the way with massive investment in renewable sources, which is already making a huge difference to the lives of islanders, as well as a massive reduction in carbon emissions and is often quoted as a positive example by researchers in other countries.

The Canary Islands are located just a short distance from Africa, and it was interesting to hear researchers recently claim that the installation of huge numbers of solar panels and wind turbines in the Sahara Desert would have a major impact on rainfall, vegetation and temperatures. The action of wind turbines and solar panels would double the amount of rain that currently falls on the Sahara, which would have a huge and positive impact upon the region, allowing vegetation to flourish.

In addition, according to the researchers’ calculations, a massive installation of solar panels and wind farms in the desert would generate more than four times the amount of energy that the world currently uses each year. If such plans were ever to come to fruition, it could potentially end the issue of fuel poverty once and for all. However, one can only imagine the blocking mechanisms of the oil industry and investors in the energy market.

© Barrie Mahoney 2024

To find out more about Barrie, his blogs, podcasts and books, go to: http://barriemahoney.com/